It has been a while since I've had any time to sit at the computer for more than a few minutes to de-spam my Inbox. Life has been crazy fast over the last 2 months.
It's hard to believe but Bryleigh will be 2 months old tomorrow. After 6 weeks of eating every 1 1/2 to 2 hours, Bryleigh has started to go 2-3 hours between feedings. Occasionally, she'll surprise me with a 4 or 5 hour span, but usually those are not at night when I need them most. She has started to play in her bouncer and try to "talk" to anyone who will pay attention to her. It is so wonderful to watch her develop.
It's been a rough road these last couple of months. It's amazing how lack of sleep can really destroy one's ability to be rational and nice. Dave and I have both had to battle the tired monster that wants to take over our minds and make us breathe fire on anyone who dares to come close. Of course the girls seem to feed on this giving us ample time for target practice! However, being tired isn't a good excuse for the girls to misbehave and neither is it for us.
I'm sad to say that my bible study and prayer time took a back seat to the screaming wails from our hungry baby girl and the need for sleep. Survival has been the name of the game around here and it's time the game ends.
My observations from the survival method of parenting:
1. no one is happy unless someone else is crying
2. kind words are those that are said through gritted teeth
3. no amount of rest seems enough to make us feel better
4. everyone starts to behave in a self-seeking way with no regard to anyone else
5. yelling or "stern voices" are mandatory for communication
This is not how I want to live, nor is it something I want my children to accept as normal. So we are implementing change! Although I suspect it will take baby steps to accomplish great change, there is no time like the present to start.
In the midst of great chaos, I've started my bible study again. Although my prayers are uttered between answering questions, shushing a tired baby, and doing chores, it is a start. My bible study time may not be the quiet, serene experience I would like it to be but it's still time in God's Word that will not go wasted!
So, is holding your breath during crisis and chaos actually practicing faith? Is denying the severity of the issue really faith? These are thoughts that have provoked my mind over the last few days while feeding Bryleigh. Am I practicing faith that can move mountains if I'm waiting for an answer before I breathe? If I decide not to "worry" but cast every thought about our situation aside "trusting God will provide" is that really faith or is it denial?
God has provided so wonderfully for our family over the last 5 months with no sustainable income. He has provided money through so many ways, that it is hard to keep track. We have been blessed beyond measure. However, time is taking its toll. God has allowed our finances to become tight once more creating a humbling of hearts as we wait again to see His provision unfold. As we receive more hospital bills, I think, "OK, God. You know what we have and You know what we need. I'm waiting..."
As AMAZING as it has been to watch God move in such a mighty way over the last 5 months, Dave and I are ready for a sustainable normal. Dave has had 2 interviews with a company over the last couple of weeks. He has a third scheduled next week. As much as I would love to sit back and say it's OK if this doesn't work out, my heart would not believe it. He and I are ready for this to be the opportunity for which God has been preparing us. With the new year, I am ready for a new start. However, I almost cringe in writing those words because I know that God may have a different plan. If He wants, a new job may not come for another year...(GULP!)
As all of these thoughts have loomed in my mind, I heard on the radio a profound thought. Our citizenship is in heaven. We are in a foreign land. Just as soldiers are sent to foreign soil to do a job, so are we. Amazing how we lose sight of the goal and get comfortable expecting everything to be easy. Wow...how we are deceived. It isn't going to be easy, because we are here to do a hard job: be living proof of a loving God to a watching world. If only these words could penetrate my sleep deprived mind when I start to whine and lose control, maybe then I could behave like a true daughter of the King.
There is much work to be done...
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