When times get hard, where do you turn? Of course for us it is to God. However, I'm not looking for a church answer. I'm looking for that deep in your gut, reflex type of response answer. Over the last five weeks, Dave and I have ridden a roller coaster of emotions. We've been up, down and spinning around as God has chosen to keep us off balance during this time of waiting for Dave to get a new job. The old adage, "kick him while he's down" comes to mind.
Meliya and Caillyn have finally gotten well enough to go back to school and church. It's been three weeks of coughing and congestion. Bryleigh, now 3 months old, is still struggling with it. Hopefully, one more week will be all she will need to put this behind her. For someone who doesn't use a lot of strong chemicals in the house, I've taken to spraying Lysol on everything they touch so that we can kick the snot monster to the curb. This winter season has been particularly bad for all of us. I'm ready for normalcy and NO MORE TISSUES!
Dave interviewed for a job with a promising company three times over the last five weeks. On the third meeting, he met the team and was well received. We were told that they were recommending to go forward with an offer for him. Two weeks later we received word that because of some internal movement, they don't know if they have a position for him even though they like him. I can honestly say that after such a wonderful interviewing experience, we were riding high on the hope that the offer would come through as expected. Unfortunately, God had different plans. Instead of celebrating Dave's new job last week, he is starting from scratch in his search again. It has been six months of unemployment. We are ready to move past this, but apparently God isn't ready to let us yet.
This brings me to a thought. My faith has been strong and unwavering this entire time when nothing looked promising. When there seemed to be no hope for bills to get paid, God made a way and I was grateful. Now after we thought the bright light was leading us out of the tunnel, we realize it was merely an illusion. For such strong faith, you would think it would be easy to just get back to doing what we've done over the last six months, but it isn't.
I still believe God will provide for our every need....don't I? I think I do. If I do, then why was I so crushed when the offer didn't come? I know His promise hasn't changed. I know my circumstances are the same as they were last week even though I perceived them differently. After watching the video lesson from Beth Moore's Esther in my bible study a few days ago, I'm beginning to realize the issue. My faith was more than skin deep, but not deep enough. You see it penetrated deep enough to be somewhat stable, but not enough to withstand this heavy blow.
I was confronted today with the issue of facing one's fears. You see, I've always had a deep seeded need for financial security. It started in college when I had to make sure I had enough money to not only live on but also pay for my tuition and books. Over the years, it has intensified as our family has grown. Until today, I did not realize my need for a monetary safety net was actually fear of being dependent on someone else for my provision. It never dawned on me that this need was causing me to have a conditional faith in God: I believe God can save me if there is enough money in the bank. Wow...what a revelation! Thankfully, God will not leave me this way. Instead, He puts me smack dab in the middle of my deepest fear: financial uncertainty. Dear Beth was right when she said the only way to break from a stronghold of fear was to confront it with a "then what?" kind of answer. My fears left me thinking, "then we'll lose everything...we won't make it through this." Instead, He has demonstrated in a MONUMENTAL way that the real answer is as Beth puts it, "then, MY GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF ME!" Thank you, Beth for some much needed insight! What a freedom to be able to let go of that fear and soar like an eagle as Isaiah illustrated in the bible.
I still want Dave to get a job so that life can return to a routine. However until He so chooses to provide that way, I will choose to be content in watching Him reveal himself in all the creative ways He has chosen to provide.
Thank you, Lord for your faithfulness!
